How is your heart?

I have been struggling lately with the realization that, as much as I try not to, I have glamorized being busy.  It is just  so gosh darn rewarding to answer how are you with that deep sigh that says oh there is just so much going on! 

I don't know when I started relating how busy I am to how successful I am, but somewhere in there it happened.  Each time I book a wedding, I am completely flooded with joy.  But shortly after I'll find myself thinking its still not enough and setting a higher goal to fill up my calendar more.  

 And I can't help but notice that it is not just me.  We are all running around frantically, smiling, and telling each other how busy we are.    But something is missing in that conversation. 

This year I will have the opportunity to be an intimate part of 15 couple's most beautiful celebration.  Moments so precious and fleeting and beautiful, and they have asked me to be witness and tell that story.  But how am I going to be open to hearing their story if I don't take the time to slow down and listen?  

I recently READ, that in Muslim cultures, to ask how are you doing, you ask: in Arabic, Kayf haal-ik? or in Persian, Haal-e shomaa chetoreh?  How is your haal?  

How is your heart?

Instead of just wanting the common answers (oh I am fine, oh I have been busy) it is an invite.  To share in the lost art of slow conversation.  One without an agenda, and without a need to fill every silence.  A space for honest and soulful conversation.  One where you drop the need to constantly be productive, constantly pushing forward, and instead embrace the inefficiencies of being human.  

To say to someone, I am not too busy for you.  

“I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyous, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart, explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul.”

— Omid Safi "The Disease of Being Busy"

The Day Family

Spent my morning with the Day family, and they are simply the sweetest.  I am still gushing over the grainy morning light coming in as their daughter showed me her favorite game of jumping on the mattress, or how she wanted her own coffee cup, just like Dad, when sitting at the table.  Or those big round baby checks of little sister!  

So thankful the invitation, to be let into this home, as is.  Simply allowing me to come be a witness of their everyday, and capture the heart of who they are.   

48:52

I am going to end the year short of my 52 weekly photos, right here at 48.   A week ago I was disappointed at this result, convinced I should squeeze 4 more pictures out of this holiday week.  

Well that didn't happen, so I am just going to have to be OK with that.  

The reason I wanted a personal project was to have a little window into the year that has passed, simple little bits of my own history captured in time.  I focused on trying to be careful that my intention didn't change from living out authentic moments to creating stories that I believed others want to hear.  I tried to accept all the imperfect, messy, but REAL moments of my life.  

Yet so, there are so many more stories, rich, deep, and just as important to my heart that never made it to this collection of photos.  But maybe those memories are meant to be held in the quiet places of the heart?    I find myself constantly trying to distinguish the difference from when the camera is adding benefit and when staring down at that little screen is simply a distraction...

I am going to continue my personal photo project.  Mostly because I picture "old" Jess sitting in a rocking chair with stacks of photo books, laughing and crying as I move through pages of old memories.  But I am going to focus on being present and camera free, during the big moments that will forever mark my heart, and instead be more aware of capturing the history of the seemingly ordinary everyday.   In this sense, I hope that my camera can help me to be more present to moments I might have thought nothing of, but took the time to listen and see. 

This last picture of this year is of the journal my husband and I share, mostly when we were dating and doing long distance.  Now it is filled with practical things such as couch dimensions, and all the passwords to our lives, but every once in awhile sweet little notes and poems and thoughts we wanted to share.  This scribbling in particular, was a big inspiration for how I want to view my personal photography in the upcoming year.  

“More than not we make mistakes,
the road is rocky and we are barefoot.
But there is a reason we continue.
To hear each other and be filled with gratitude.”

— Rich Holleque, "Rich & Jess's Journal"

See the whole 2014 Collection: The 52 Photo Project